The “Ten Commandments” for Couples

Want to create a happier, more fulfilling relationship?


These “ten commandments” can help. Dr. Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love and creator of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), created them from the combined viewpoint of developmental neuroscience, attachment theory, and arousal regulation. The PACT approach can help even the most unhappy, dysfunctional couples.

 1. THOU SHALT protect the safety and security of thy relationship at all costs.

2. THOU SHALT base thy relationship on true mutuality, remembering that all decisions and actions must be good for thee AND for thine partner.

3. THOU SHALT not threaten the existence of the relationship, for so doing would benefit no one.

4. THOU SHALT appoint thy partner as go-to person for all matters, making certain thy partner is first to know— not second, third, or fourth—in all matters of importance.

5. THOU SHALT provide a tether to thy partner all the days and nights of thy life, and never fail to greet thy partner with good cheer.

6. THOU SHALT protect thy partner in public and in private from harmful elements, including thyself.

7. THOU SHALT put thy partner to bed each night and awaken with thy partner each morning.

8. THOU SHALT correct all errors, including injustices and injuries, at once or as soon as possible, and not make dispute of who was the original perpetrator.

9. THOU SHALT gaze lovingly upon thy partner daily and make frequent and meaningful gestures of appreciation, admiration, and gratitude.

10. THOU SHALT learn thy partner well and master the ways of seduction, influence, and persuasion, without the use of fear or threat.

Dr. Stan Tatkin

The PACT Institute

Susan B. Saint-Rossy  is a  PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy) Level 2 Clinician and is also trained in EFT (Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy) and the Gottman Approach to Couples Therapy. She is a clinical social worker licensed in Virginia and Washington, DC.

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