How couples communicate with each other can make or break a marriage. In times of stress and hardship, good communication can make you feel like you have unconditional support and understanding. Poor communication skills, on the other hand, can magnify the hard times and place a sometimes unbearable strain on the relationship.

But communication is a complicated matter—more complicated than most of us realize. It’s not just about talking and listening.

These “ten commandments” can help. Dr. Stan Tatkin, author of Wired for Love and creator of the Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy (PACT), created them from the combined viewpoint of developmental neuroscience, attachment theory, and arousal regulation. The PACT approach can help even the most unhappy, dysfunctional couples.

Jazz—sexy, unexpected, sultry, unscripted, engaging. Sound like your relationship? If not, here’s how to make it happen.

Adults need pure undirected play to de-stress. Adults need messes. (Yes, I know you’ll have to clean it up later, but it will be worth it.)

What’s more, couples can help each other de-stress by encouraging each other to make messes together.