THERAPY AFTER BREAKUP OR DIVORCE
You are putting on a brave face, just like you always do. You are still doing your work and doing it at least semi-well, though you can’t stop yourself from crying on the airplane on the way back from an overnight business trip or in the car as you listen to that music that helps you get through. You know which music I’m talking about.
People that know what’s happened think you are handling the situation like a star. Only the one or a very few people you trust know some of what’s really going on inside of you. You know you are going through the motions, using work as a refuge, doing for and taking care of others like you always do, but without the joy you had before you were socked in the stomach with this breakup.
You know you’re not crazy. But you feel off kilter right now. Discombobulated inside.
RELATIONSHIP THERAPY CAN HELP.
This is one of the hardest situations you’ve ever been in.
You have always been a hard worker. Bright, yes. But not so bright that you haven’t had challenges in work and love—in life in general. You’re a self-starter who is used to being successful. You don’t let things fail or fall apart. You solve problems; you don’t run away from them.
The breakup situation you are in now has gutted you. Sleep? Can’t remember when it was good. Eating? Probably not much (or maybe too much). Walking around in a fog except when you can focus on tasks at hand. Yep. Clenching fists, screaming into a pillow, thinking too much about the why and the how. The thinking won’t stop. The crying comes and goes. You pace. The nervous energy takes turns with the exhaustion.
Yes, you knew there were issues in your relationship, but you were determined to make it work. You thought your partner was too.
So when it was clear that your partner was not willing to do the work on your relationship or that your relationship was beyond repair, your heart was shattered.
You haven’t felt so alone in who knows how many years. Maybe ever.
Part of you isn’t sure you will ever recover enough from this breakup to have another relationship ever again. You can’t imagine it.
Another (perhaps tiny right now) part of you knows that you have things to learn from this experience. That the situation is complex, and the black and white thinking you’ve reverted to is not serving you well.
Let’s mend your shattered heart.
Somewhere amongst the fragments and cracks of your shattered heart is a kernel of belief that, even though a broken heart cannot be put back together as it was before the shatter, it can be healed. It can be reconfigured and enlivened to approach life and relationships in a way that offers self-compassion, more complex judgment, greater self-understanding, confidence, and even playfulness.
That’s where the work we do together comes in.
Maybe your friends or relatives, in their helpful way, have suggested you reach out to a relationship therapist. Someone might have even given you my name. Or maybe as you read your seventh self-help book without reaping any benefits from the act of reading, you realized that talking with a real person trained in the complexities of relationships might be useful, as scary and unsettling as that thought can be.
You’d probably rather be imagining yourself bikini-clad self, lying on a beach in the Maldives listening to the waves, sipping a mojito, and alternating between reading a witty murder mystery and watching the people stroll by.
But the truth is, you know you can pull through this situation all by yourself AND you are pretty sure you want to do more than just pull through. You want to feel lovable and emotionally strong again. You may even want to get to know yourself better, your core self, and learn what you need in a relationship that works well.
Before relationship therapy
Your world has changed. The life you thought you were building—the one that included them—is no longer your reality. Whether you saw the breakup coming or it blindsided you, it still hurts in ways you didn’t expect.
One moment, you feel strong, determined to move forward. The next, you’re drowning in a wave of grief, anger, regret. The emotional whiplash is exhausting.
You replay old conversations, trying to pinpoint the exact moment things started to fall apart. You wonder if you could have done something differently, if you should have seen the signs sooner, if you’ll ever feel normal again.
You’re feeling the quiet sting of loneliness, the disorienting sense of not knowing who you are without this relationship.
You’re numb, going through the motions but never fully present. Or maybe you’re angry—at them, at yourself, at the unfairness of it all.
Your friends tell you you’ll be fine, that you’ll find someone new, but you don’t want to hear it. Because deep down, you’re wondering:
What if I never feel whole again?
After relationship therapy
Something shifts. You stop seeing the end of this relationship as a personal failure and start recognizing it as a turning point—one that can lead you somewhere even better.
You learn how to process the grief without letting it define you.
You let go of the shame, the second-guessing, the belief that this breakup means something about your worth.
You reconnect with yourself—your needs, your desires, the parts of you that may have been lost or silenced in the relationship.
You no longer measure your healing by how quickly you “move on” but by how fully you reclaim your own life, your own happiness, your own sense of self.
You stop fearing loneliness because you’ve learned how to be with yourself in a way that feels good, even peaceful. And when you’re ready for love again, you approach it from a place of strength, clarity, and self-respect—not fear or desperation.
You feel whole. Not because someone else completes you, but because you’ve done the work to complete yourself.
If you are alone, maybe for the first time in a long time, you need a special kind of therapy.
I warn you. This may be the hardest work you will ever do. Emotional work. Vulnerable work. The work of self-examination, the examination of the heart. If you stay in therapy and do this work, the healing can be liberating. Your shattered heart can be not just put together again like Humpty-Dumpty, but understood and given new life.
If you stick with it, this work can alter your life. You will know more about the complexity of your own character and spirit, and you will be connected to your heart in a coherent way that allows you to feel and act more like your true self. This is who you can be as you take on new relationships and experiences.
What happens in relationship therapy?
We sit together and get to know each other. I am a stranger to you, so you are not sure if you can trust me, much rely on me for help. First and foremost, you want to feel better, more like yourself, without the pain that happens when a committed relationship ends.
As conversation happens, you let down your guard, maybe slowly, and the work begins.
We examine whatever you need to examine from all angles to try to make sense of what has happened. We start to understand the parts of your personality, your soul, that have been wounded and need to heal.
You see that I have ways in to you psyche that help you gain a fuller understanding of who you are in the relationship and who you want to be beyond the relationship.
And if you have courage in yourself and the comfort in me, you stay and do the work to know yourself and understand the complexities of your inner world. You gain the strength to experiment in relationships and life. Your world opens up.
RELATIONSHIP THERAPY IS:
Help with calming your system (nervous system, brain, body, and heart) after the breakup.
A place to express all of your thoughts and feelings, no matter how dark and confusing.
An arena where you can get curious about how you got here and what is going on in your brain and your heart.
A place to let your guard down (only when you feel like it), be challenged, and experiment with new approaches to thinking, being, and doing a relational context.
A way to heal and feel more of who you really are, eventually ready for a new relationship that will be sturdier and more fulfilling.
RELATIONSHIP THERAPY IS NOT:
A pity party.
Someone just helping you think differently about your situation.
A way to work on strategies to win your ex-partner back.
A place to rant forever about your ex (though that might be an early part of the process).
A way to jump over the hard stuff and just get yourself quickly back out there to develop a new relationship.
Coaching for co-parenting or other kid-related issues of divorce or breakup. If that’s what you need, I can refer you
Schedule a consult (click on any button on this page)
Even if you have to do it through your tears, book your free 15-minute video consult. For many, taking just this step is a strong message to your heart that you are ready to heal and move forward.
Fill out your pre-consultation questionnaire
After your consultation time is confirmed, you will receive via email a link to answer some questions that will help us use our consultation time wisely. This should take only a few minutes.
Chat with Susan
You will receive a link to the video meeting via email before time for the consultation. We will take a look at your situation and see if we are a good fit to work together. If we aren’t a good fit, I will gladly offer up the names of some other therapists who might work better for you. You can leave the consultation and think about it, or we can schedule your first session at the end of the meeting.